Inspired by the Mad Magazine reading book parodies, these humor pieces will provide the reader with education as well as entertainment.


16. FANS

16.1. Fanfiction

See the Fan Fiction.
Fanfic, fanfic, fanfic.
See the fanfic writers.
Women, women, women.
The word "Fan Fiction" comes from "Fan"
- as in "fanatic"
and "fiction"
- as in "Not really a writer yet."
The people who write it often call themselves
"fan ficcers"
which just happens to rhyme with fan f...
Forget that!
First they had only stencils
and fanzines
to spread their fanfics.
Now they have... oh, about 25% of the Internet.

Nobody knows why most fanfic writers are women.
Nobody knows why most women don't read fanfic, either.
Nobody knows everything...
...except the fanfic writer.
She knows it all!
"I just KNOW that Kirk and Spock should be gay!"
And so she writes stories called "slash"
where characters who previously did not have sex with each other
have sex with each other
or get pregnant with each other
or rape each other
not because they want to
but because she says so.

Let's ask Leonard Nimoy:
Do you think Kirk and Spock were... you know?
"I don't know. I wasn't there."
Oh.

Sometimes fan ficcers will tell you
that writing "slash" is a "feminist" thing.
It "subverts stereotypes"
and uses the "gay subtext" in, say, Star Trek.
I hear that George Takei is gay.
For real.
He said so.
Let's ask him:
George, what's it like to be a subtext?
How does it feel to not really exist?
Why do you look so sad, George?

16.2. Harry Potter

The Harry Potter fans are upset.
Upset, upset, upset.
"How could she do this to us?"
Who?
J.K.Rowling.
She decided to write one last Harry Potter book
and that's it.
But the fans are no quitters.
Oh no!
They are not going to let that little detail stop them.
They have sworn to carry on
writing more fanfic
writing more "sequels" to the final Harry Potter book
debating Dumbledore's and Snape's sexual orientation
forever and ever
because they are FANS!
They are DEDICATED!
They number in the MILLIONS!
And they'll ALWAYS stay faithful, because...
What's that distant rumbling noise?
Millions of fans
deserting the Harry Potter fanfic websites.

16.3. Your Greatest Fan

This is Stephen King's worst nightmare.
This is every writer's worst nightmare:
Your Greatest Fan.
He wants to control everything.
She wants to tell you what to write
how to write it
and never to stop writing it.
He lurks in the shadows
of book signings
conventions
fan letters
and fan fictions.
In fact, Your Greatest Fan hates you.
She thinks you stole something from her.
He knows where you live!
"Speaking of which..."
"Have you thought about doing something else than writing?"
Yes, I have.
Maybe I should go back to building model railroads.
Unless "Your Greatest Model Railroading Fan"
is lurking somewhere.

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