Inspired by the Mad Magazine reading book parodies, these humor pieces will provide the reader with education as well as entertainment.


15. GLOBAL POLITICS, PART II

15.1. The Czar

See the Czar.
Czar, Czar, Czar.
See his eyes.
Eyes like a fish.
Fish, fish, fish.
He rules a big country.
Big, big, big.
He took all the country's oil.
He won all the elections
and if anyone else tried to get elected
anyone else ended up in jail.
Or dead.
See the Czar's pale hands.
Pale, pale, pale.
It is hard to explain
how the Czar's hands can look so white
but are so red and sticky.
How did he become a Czar?
Well, he was member of a boys' club
that used to be called "Kill, Gulag, Bomb."
Now the club is called "Freaks Sucking Blood".
When the old Czar
- who was a bit of a drunk -
got too drunk to rule
the boys' club took over
and put the new Czar on the throne.
The Czar wants to make new friends.
He visits the big boys in Europe
and Asia
and the Middle East
and sells them weapons
and rockets
and tools to make atomic bombs.
If someone refuses to be friendly to the Czar
the boy's club will poison someone
or shoot her.
So how long will the Czar sit on his throne?
Until the next revolution...
... or until the boys' club gets rid of him.
Perhaps it is practical
that he already looks like a corpse.


15.2. The Adorable Leader

See the Adorable Leader.
Short, short, short.
See the Adorable Leader's lamppost.
Tall, tall, tall.
See the Adorable Leader's rope.
Hemp, hemp, hemp.
See the Adorable Leader's noose.
Tight, tight, tight.
See the Adorable Leader swing.
Swing, swing, swing.


15.3. The Eastern Prince

See the Eastern Prince.
Prince, prince, prince.
See his palaces.
See his gold.
Glitter, glitter, glitter.
Half his gold
IS the palaces.
The palaces are so big
that you can see them on Google Earth.
How hard the Eastern Prince must work
to make all that money
to pay for all that gold
and all those palaces!
How hard he must pay
when he loses his palaces
and his gold
and more besides.


15.4. President Junior

See President Junior.
Junior, Junior, Junior.
He says many things.
Blah, blah, blah.
He says he supports his country's troops.
When he could have served in a war
he went to a safe place where rich people
can send their kids
so they won't get hurt.
This place is called "The National Guard."
President Junior says he does not support torture.
He does not believe in it.
This is called "plausible deniability."(*)
President Junior believes in the power of words
to overcome reality.
He wonders why people can't agree
that if he says something
it has to be sort of true.
When he says "Mission Accomplished"
then the mission IS sort of accomplished, dammit!
He asks people why they must be so difficult.
"Hey - why all the glum faces?"
Why all the glum faces?
Because people get glum
when they realize
that they've been had.
And then they get very angry at Junior
and sack him.
This is not called "democracy"
but it actually IS democracy.

(* Stephen Colbert calls it "Truthiness".)

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