Inspired by the Mad Magazine reading book parodies, these humor pieces will provide the reader with education as well as entertainment.


14. OLD AGE

14.1. The Aging Hipster

See the Aging Hipster.
No, the word "hipster" has nothing to do with hip replacements.
(He is not due for surgery until next month.)
See how he walks.
Hip-twist, creak, tip-toe.
Hip-twist, creak, tip-toe.
It's hard to walk like a young John Travolta
When you're older than John Travolta.
See the Aging Hipster visit the doctor.
Cough, cough, cough.
The doctor says:
"No more smoking."
"No more staying up late."
"No hard drinking."
"Not too much coffee."
The doctor wonders why the Aging Hipster
has a cigarette in his mouth.
"I told you to stop smoking."
The Aging Hipster says:
"I never light up, man.
I just keep it in my mouth."
It's hard to live like an Angry Young Man
When you're only pretend-smoking.

See the Aging Hipster at the award ceremony!
See him sulk.
Sulk, sulk, sulk.
He has to present a prize
to some younger woman.
She's stealing his thunder.
He misses the time when he was talk of the town.
But the Aging Hipster knows what to do.
He shouts at the staff
and calls them "You ****ing ****s!"
and grabs the woman's butt on stage.
People get really mad at him.
And suddenly everyone is talking about the Aging Hipster again.
He feels twenty... well, ten years younger.
"I've still got it!" thinks the Aging Hipster.
Except he can't quite remember
what "it" was.

14.2. The Aging Beauty Queen

See the Aging Beauty Queen.
See her big hair.
Big, big, big.
See her facelift.
Stretch, stretch, stretch.
See her pantyhose.
Stretch, stretch, stretch.
The aerospace industry
has developed special super-fabrics
to keep her thighs in place.

The Aging Beauty Queen gets a visit.
It's her grandchildren.
They sing "Happy Birthday"
and give her presents.
She wishes they wouldn't call her "Grandma" out loud.
It makes her sound like all the other ladies
in the retirement home.

14.3. The Old Crank

See the Old Crank.
Crank, crank, crank.
When he was a Young Crank,
he hated The Man
and The Government
and The Oppressors
and The Military
and The Church
and The Cabal of Old Men
who ruled the world
and especially Hyam A. Braunshirt
(that guy who says only white Christians are "real Americans").
Now that the Young Crank is an Old Crank
he hates Minorities
and Radicals
and Pacifists
and Religious Minorities
and Those Lazy Young Things
who won't show him proper respect.
Those ingrates!
"If it wasn't for the soothing words of Hyam A. Braunshirt,"
thinks the Old Crank,
"I would have gone crazy."
The Old Crank worries that when he's dead
when his special breed of wisdom is no more
the world will go to the dogs.
Without him, who will teach people
that they are no good?
But the Old Crank shouldn't worry.
Whenever an Old Crank goes
a Young Crank ages in his place.

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