Inspired by the Mad Magazine reading book parodies, these humor pieces will provide the reader with education as well as entertainment.

9. FANATICS

9.1. Honor

Fanatics always talk about Honor.
Honor, honor, honor.
What is honor?
Honor is... when a man kills his own children
because they were talking to someone he didn't like
or because he didn't like the way they dress.
(He can't just tell his kids they dress badly.
He must kill them to show them he really means it.)
Honor is... when a man kidnaps a relief worker
and slices her throat open on the Internet.
Honor is... when a man blows himself up with dynamite
and turns himself into instant wallpaper.
Honor is... when a man hears voices in his head
telling him to kill a complete stranger
because he doesn't like the shape of the stranger's nose
or the color of his skin.
Honor is... when men beat up women
because women believe they have a right to exist.
Honor is... when you shoot and stab another man to death in the street
just because you didn't like the man's movie
(and the name of the movie wasn't Exorcist: The Beginning).
Honor is... when a man threatens to kill anyone
who says anything he doesn't like
or looks at him the wrong way.
Honor is... to never ever laugh at yourself
because that would be a sign of weakness.
So now you know what "honor" means.
Luckily, there is now a cure for "honor".
It's called "Viagra."

9.2. Blood

Another thing fanatics love to talk about is blood.
Blood! Blood! Blood!
Bleeding is very important to fanatics.
They should donate to hospitals.
It doesn't matter whose blood it is
as long as someone bleeds.
So what's the big deal about bleeding?
Fanatics believe that when blood is spilled
it pleases their god.
The Aztecs in South America
had a religion about blood.
They cut out the hearts of people every day
and offered the blood to their sun god.
They believed that if they stopped giving blood
to their anemic gods
the sun would shut down.
The Aztecs are no longer around.
They ran out of hearts.
But the sun keeps shining every day.
Maybe God is trying to tell us something.

9.3. Start Your Own Cult!

There are many people in the world today
who feel confused
and scared
and need the comfort
of believing in something bigger than themselves.
There is always something bigger than yourself.
Let's not make a big deal out of bigness.
But if you want to make some quick money
you can start your own cult
and get a band of fanatical followers
and tell them to give you their money.
Then you order them to kill themselves
and you keep the money.
So what should your cult be about?
Let's call it "The Cult of No Fun."
Anyone who joins your Cult of No Fun
must swear to put a stop to all fun.
"Everyone must be miserable!" is your battlecry.
Your followers must wage war on music
and nice clothes
and dancing
and sex
and beautiful women
and games
and sports
and art
and reading
and movies
and TV
and the Internet
and laughing
and especially humor.
Because your cult can survive many things
but it's doomed when people start laughing at it.
So the first thing you should tell your followers
is that they must suck on lemons
when they hear you speak.

9.4. Death

Fanatics love death
for some reason.
They can't stop talking about it.
Death to this, death to that.
This is a mystery.
What's so nice about death?
Ask a worm
or a vulture
or a hyena.
They think death tastes yummy.
Maybe fanatics eat the dead for food?
That would sort of explain their behavior
and they look like zombies.
But that's probably not the explanation.
So let us ask a fanatic:
"Why do you do these awful things?"
And the fanatic says:
"Because I am on a divine mission."
"Why?"
"Because I believe in my sacred mission."
"Why?"
"Because I know it is the divine truth."
"Why?"
"Because I am one of the chosen ones, who must kill the unbelievers."
"Why?"
"Because we are instruments of the divine will."
"Why?"
"Because we must purify the world and cleanse it of sin."
"Why?"
"Because this world is wicked and filthy."
"Why?"
"Because there are women who lead us into sin."
"Why?"
"Because... there are women because God created them."
"Why?"
"Because... because... we're not allowed to ask questions! We must only obey."
"Why?"
"BECAUSE!"
"Why?"
"Why do you keep asking me these questions?"
"Because unlike you, I don't claim to have all the answers."
"But we have all the answers we need."
"Why?"
"Because our leader says so."
"Why?"
"Because he is our leader."
"Why?"
"Because it is so blissful not to have to think or ask questions, only obey."
"Why?"
"Because I might think impure thoughts. All impurity must be eradicated."
"Why?"
"Because there is something wrong with everything. With me."
"Why?"
"Because nothing is perfect."
"Why?"
"Everything must be perfect and pure."
"Why?"
"I must destroy that which is not pure."
"Why?"
"Because I hate it."
"Why?"
"Because it is evil!"
"Why?"
"It just is! Everything is evil!"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why why?" (And so on and so on...)

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