Inspired by the Mad Magazine reading book parodies, these humor pieces will provide the reader with education as well as entertainment.

7. PESTS

7.1. DJs

See the DJ.
(Not much to see, is there?)
See his collection of CDs, records, tapes and vinyls.
Music, music, music.
The DJ loves his work.
(Not much work, is it?)
He decides in which sequence
to play the songs
that the audience wants to hear.
See how the DJ sweats.
See how he thinks hard.
Should he play the No.1 hit song before the No.2 hit song
or the other way around?
Decisions, decisions.

Later he will do a "remix" of the hit song.
He just adds a faster drumbeat on top of the music.
This makes him an "artist."
The DJ has ruined more good old songs
than any bad coverband in history.
Then you and I will have to hear the "remixes"
of songs we used to like
but now they sound all wrong
and we end up hating the old songs.
This makes the DJ a "terrorist."

7.2. Spammers

See the spammer.
Spam, spam, spam, spam...
(Stop that singing!)
In this great big world of ours
there are human beings
and animals
and viruses.
And somewhere between "viruses"
and "smelly dead stuff"
is the Spammer.
He thinks he's a hero.
He thinks he's exercising his "rights" and "free speech."
The millions of people who get flooded with his spam
hate his guts
and wish he were dead.
The spammer loves to send millions of people e-mails
about Viagra and potency cures.
Why does he send those mails to everybody?
Because the spammer thinks that all men
have the same problem
that he's always had.

7.3. Phone Marketing

Hear the phone ring.
Ring, ring, ring.
Answer the phone.
Hello, hello, hello.
Hear the salesman.
"I just wanted to ask you about Brand X."
"I just wanted to offer you a bargain on Brand Y."
"I want you to donate to Cause Z."
"I just love invading people's homes."
"What are you wearing?"
Oops, that wasn't a phone salesman.
That was an obscene phone call.
Funny, how the two sound the same.

7.4. Beggars

See the beggar.
Beg, beg, beg.
Hear the beggar.
"Hey, can you spare some money?"
"Hey, I'm talking to you!"
"Don't you have any compassion?"
Ask him why he begs.
(I did once. This really happened.)
"So I won't have to steal."
You have a choice then:
Either you give the beggar money
or he steals it from someone else.
I feel so sorry for the beggar.

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"A.R.Yngve's READING BOOK" is (c)A.R.Yngve 2003. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced without permission.

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