By A.R.Yngve
Finally came the day when the nation's highest health authority addressed the Naming Problem.
"We have tackled many psychosomatic health problems," explained the Surgeon General to the media, "but until now we have turned a blind eye to the Naming Problem. Most people, regardless of social station, experience discomfort and feelings of inadequacy associated with their birth-names. Statistics prove that this causes depression and even a shortened lifespan."
An immediate outcry came from the nation's millions of ill-named men and women: How true! We knew it all the time! It's all my parents' fault I couldn't get into college!
"The Health Department proposes a new law. Under this new Naming Act, the legal process of changing one's first and last name would be greatly simplified. No one should have to live with the stigma of a ridiculed name. Parents would also be restricted in their naming choices."
Millions of citizens openly supported the nationwide campaign for the Naming Act, and it was voted through with record speed.
Only seconds later, the first victims applied for their simplified name changes.
Barty Vhuckelmeyer became Ben Mey.
Nurleen Spleener became Lena Purne.
Melvin Podznofsky became Mel Zofsky. And so on.
At the same time, the first court cases were brought up against headstrong parents who demanded complete naming freedom.
In the case of Marvin and Bertha Plopp Vs. The State, the Plopps betrayed themselves early. In court, Marvin Plopp made an outburst that turned the entire jury against him: "We suffered for our names, why shouldn't our kids suffer too?"
The Plopps lost custody of their newborn, Bigg Plopp. Shortly thereafter, his adoptive parents renamed him as "Bill Porter."
Almost overnight, neighborhood watch committees formed in several countries - so-called "Naming Boards" - to advise new parents in the naming process.
An epidemic of anti-parent paranoia spread across the nation, and the world. Grownups sued their parents for names which had caused painful heckling.
Within a few months, names like "Biff", "Hogg" and "Prick" had virtually vanished from public use. Names like "Lee", "Eve" and "Joe" had become the three most common in the country.
Then, after the initial period of euphoria, the world's children struck back.
Lee Andrew Jones, formerly "Brandon A. Butt", called up his parents crying.
"The other kids in summer camp are calling me names!"
"But that's not possible, dear. Many of them have the same name as you!"
"They say I look like a Plopp. They call me Plopp even when I tell them my name is Lee. I don't wanna go to camp ever again!"
The Joneses called the camp counselor, Eve Chang (formerly "Wan Long Dong"), and demanded an investigation.
Ms.Chang rounded up the children of Juvenile Camp 884, and quickly found out that they had taken part in a new youth craze: Flash Naming. "Flash mobs" of children randomly congregated through wireless networks, picked a victim with a common name, and started calling her by one of the "banned" names.
The Joneses sued the parents of the children who had called their boy "Plopp."
And so began the campaign later called "The Naming War"... which eventually led to the Child Lock Act, by which children caught using banned names had their wrists tagged with restraining chips.
Unfortunately, despite our efforts to stamp out bad naming, society has failed to prevent the world's children from getting their hands on countermeasures and schemes to circumvent the law.
Only yesterday, my twin daughters Pia and Nia and had to undergo trauma treatment, after a mob of masked children had shouted "Pissy and Pussy" at them. Sometimes I despair...
"The Day They Banned Bad Names" (c)A.R.Yngve 2005. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced without permission.
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